Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
