girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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