Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
