my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
