Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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