I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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