:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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