There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
