Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got inside last night via doggy door
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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