you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
