I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
