youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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