I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
