god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
