Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
