I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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