so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
