Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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