Plan B is the new Plan A
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
