Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i believe in u and ur pee
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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