Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Floor bacon is actually really good
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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