how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
