I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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