I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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