There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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