I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize