just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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