dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
