I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
