So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
