I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I understand Curling. That high.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize