what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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