Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
