i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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