It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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