I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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