I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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