turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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