i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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