...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
