I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
