I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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