i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
