apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
