Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
please don't ironically join a cult
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