worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
