I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
