I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
my liver is dry heaving
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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