I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
