She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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