So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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