Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
