How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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