things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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