Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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