i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
