you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
