Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
