my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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