You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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